Irish Aunties and Funerals
My Dad was the proud son of Irish immigrants to Australia and so, growing up, we had our encounters with our maiden Irish Aunties, Great Aunties actually, Tessie and Lilly. I remember my sister Jenny and myself visiting them in darkened, stale smelling rooms in dilapidated Ipswich mansions, and being encouraged to perform. “Sing for your Auntie Tess.” “Play piano for your Auntie Lilly.” It struck terror in us so stark that it defined the darkness. Why were they always dressed in black? Someone had died, and that is how they remembered their role as mourners, to not smile for a year.
It stays in my then “6 year old memory” as something out of Miss Havisham and “Great Expectations.” But funerals of that generation were as legendary, in the way only Irish funerals can be. One story was Tessie at a cousin’s funeral saying after the viewing, ” I know that Mary’s dead, but can I say, I never have seen her look so alive!” Or at Lilly’s funeral, another of the tribe roving the mourning crowd asking, “Where is Lilly? Not like her to not show up for such a great turn out like this, the buffet and the bar.” My sister Sue, if I recall, had to quietly point to the coffin, where she told them that this was Lilly’s Last Supper.
It always made me smile and made me proud that I was mad Irish too, and having attending so many funerals in my years of ministry, I sort of understood what death does to the living. Madness and death go together, in strengths dependent on the love that is lost. But little did I know?
This week, my dear, dear, friend Bob died. A brain tumor and a catastrophic fall all in the space of a week and instead of planning the next program schedule for the AmeriCorps program I run and that he founded, we are planning a funeral. It is all happening too quickly for me and Wanda and his family to get their head around. And Bob himself, ever the optimist, hangs on believing till the bitter end that he is recovering, until he wants to know why are all the distant relatives here? Who are these nurses? At one point, he even asks accusingly, “What is this? A wake?”
The funeral at the local church happened on Monday. Funerals in COVID times are usually remote. Zoom, Zoom, and you are gone. Thankfully, we could meet in person on a snowy Monday morning, and have a requiem mass that for ages has seen off generations of Bobs family, from the old country Italy to the new world of Frederick MD. The consoling thought was that his great grandparents would recognize this ritual of faith that bridges the generations. But it was exhausting. I cried, but some of Bob’s grandkids cried like I never knew humans could cry. Their bones were washed in the deluge of their grief, what the psalmist would have called ‘inconsolable.”
I come home and try to unwind and pray for Bob and Wanda and their loving family and after dinner, I slowly move back into my night routine. Normality takes over. Who do I call? Without thinking, I start to dial the usual number. 301, 385….
I am calling Bob, to report on the day, tell him how people are doing, tell him how I am doing because he will always want to know that, tell him what I need right now to get through this, and know he will have some wise, gentle words. He will say, “I am so sorry that I could not make it. I really wanted to be there, but I will be there next time for sure. And I am so glad you went. They really would have appreciated that. And how was everyone? Anyone really upset?” And I would tell him, and he would say, “Yes, they care so much, but can you send me their emails or phone numbers. I will call them next week to offer my condolences. You know Paul, this really matters and you are doing the right thing. So, I am sorry if I let you down, and I feel so bad, but hey, next week, come out and me and Wanda can meet at the Italian place we usually meet at, and I can catch up on all the other stuff. You are doing a great job, and I appreciate all you do, even when others don’t sometimes. How are Ben and Tess and the kids.? How is Ahmed? Say Hi to Karam. Give them my love.”
The phone did not answer, and yet, as I quickly realized this habit had suddenly outlived its use, I allowed myself to walk through the routine of 20 plus years. If I could just call the operator for Bob’s new number, I know I would have had exactly the same call.
My telling you this story makes me feel like I am Auntie Tess or Auntie Lilly at an Irish funeral, and that there is not a lot separating death from madness. Sometimes, it is the madness that honors the death more than the sanity. Those prescribed 5 stages of grief, letting go and moving on don’t include moments of insane comedy.
I have to add that Bob did not look the most alive I had seen him in the coffin. It was clear he had gone, except for his Micky Mouse tie. And Bob would have been disappointed that there was no buffet and bar, but rather masks and hand sanitizers and a snow road home. Come the Summer and Vaccines, we will do that party yet. But not now.
So yes, when I got back from Bob’s funeral, the first thing I wanted to do was call Bob. And to me, that underlines how profound the loss. Bob had become the Listener that we all need, someone who though not family, is privy to the inside because his love and trust invites your honesty in ways that you hardly experience with your own kith and kin. Bob invited intimacy from so many different folks that I wonder if sometimes he felt overwhelmed with the role people asked of him. But he never complained. Just supply the right pasta and the proper Vino and he could turn any catastrophe into a party.
I know that some religions are wary of Catholics praying to the saints and lighting candles before the Madonna and they think that it is idolatry. But maybe they have never known the sort of grief that springs from such a depth of love that the conversation never ends, and that death is just a bad connection.
My futile phone call to Bob Monday night are transformed tonight into my prayers. My T-Mobile account does not have a strong enough 5G signal yet to get him on the line but I know this- He is listening. And that is where Bob will never die, for his family, for Wanda and Tony, for Karen and Lisa, for Connor and Jake and Katie and Francis, for all the extended family, for my Alpha community.
Love is being on call, even if you are dead, and sometimes, as weird as it sounds, it is the memory of our beloved who are dead that will keep us alive. Bob remembered the mother he lost as a little kid and he made her stay alive. And so he must continue to make us come alive. His departure does not mean he has quit from doing that.
Let me find his new number. If no one picks up, leave a voice mail and wait for him to answer in the new day you step into. The best way to celebrate those who have died is to live. How insane is that?
“We made it through!”
As 2020 comes to an end, we can at least tell ourselves that much. Hidden inside the sentiment are too many losses and so many challenges, but sometimes, “making it through” signals
decimated. For too many families, loss will overshadow their Christmas. Will we ever recover? We must believe we will, in order for us to keep going. People speak of hope as if it needs evidence, but 
t the very least, we can tell ourselves, “We are still here, still breathing, still with a pulse.” That might sum up a minimalist’s Thanksgiving. “Mask and 6 feet distant” is better than “Last Gasp and 6 feet under.” Though this is hardly a heart melting sentiment, this might be the year to shelve the gospel of abundance that we are prone to tell ourselves on this day. Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and Influence People” delusion of ‘tattooing success on our asses’ even when we fail or lose elections has a lot to answer for.
11 million infected with COVID, millions out of work, schools shuttered, a quarter of a million dead, and the threat of double that ahead is surely a somber prospect. My AmeriCorps members have been busy delivering food to local families who have no jobs, no money for rent, no documents and live in daily fear of being deported. Oh yes, let us “Give Thanks.” For what?
The nation this Thanksgiving is at grave moral risk. An election does not necessarily change that. 70 plus million voters appear to be willing to want the nation to spiral down into more chaos, on the way to being “great again!” Something is gravely wrong here that we ignore at our peril.
We are all saying- How come we are so divided? On the surface, that seems a fact. But then in other situations, when it comes to a fire, or a hurricane, the opposite question is a better fit-How come we are all so united?
blue and some wearing red and yelling comments for their team and against their opponents. That is the point of the game. What unites us all in the stadium is the contest. With the game over, someone has won and someone has lost, and for that week, if we won we have boasting rights and if we lost, we have to regroup and not talk football. But success does not unite us. No way. Both teams cannot win. If you won, I lost. They are the rules of the game.
It was on display last night in the debate in the masterful last question- “On Inauguration Day, what will you say to those who voted against you?” President Trump said “Success will unite us.” VP Biden said “I will represent all of you…making sure everyone has an even chance.”
to build the “Beloved Community.”
and shame and owned mistakes allow him to have empathy. He goes to Church too.
November 3rd, there will be a winner and loser, but let us just hope we have a leader who can take us back to that feeling of being at church, with a shared faith in the nation and in each other, and not continue this bloody Friday Night Football of win-lose. Success does not unite us, Mister President, because the system works against so many from having a chance to succeed. Most of us did not inherit 400 million as our starting stake in life. Most of us do not have to fear police harassment and violence. Most of us do not have to struggle for our daily bread but enough of us do, and “Success” for them means something quite different from your seeing Wall Street as the measure of success or your 401Ks.
This is what SCOTUS nominee, Judge Amy Barrett. said summing up “originalism” which is her legal approach.
If anyone had caught up with the language revolution and the philosophy of textual readings introduced by Saussure and Wittgenstein, you would have been long disabused of the claim that a text says what it means for all times, and hardly can guarantee what it means even in its own time. Wittgenstein taught the use of the word is what it means and over time, that use shifts. Even the word “Originalist” used to mean “From the origins” whereas to call someone today an original, we mean “One and only.” Elvis was an Original. Mohammad Ali was an original. So even the word they use to label themselves keeps shifting in the sands of time.
In the 1930’s songs, you could sing about someone being young and gay. “Gay” meant happy. It was a state of emotion, not sexual identity. The word changed. So can we get back to what the song originally meant, when our ears now hear it is something quite different? Hardly possible.
Google this
First of all, there is the hidden presumption that I as a white person can ever get inside the feelings of a black person with the burden of history of racism and Jim Crow. I could say in solidarity, “Now I know what you have been going through” but while the intention is noble, the assertion is another claim of my White Supremacy- I am God, I am omniscient, and of course, I can feel what you feel. Why not? I am still acting inside my privileged power.
Marx and later sociologists focused less on the feeling inside and more on the system outside that makes those inner feelings our best adaptation to being treated as “less than.” Inside is the end of the game-and how we feel and what we endure, not the start which begins with power, and what people chose to inflict.
So what kind of radical empathy would we offer him? To feel as he feels? How could we possibly know? Who knows how he feels given his history of not having any sense of what ordinary citizens feel.
For anyone seeking to change the world, empathy is a noble distraction. “Radical” is just an adjective that covers how pathetic is might otherwise sound. Power must act with attention, less to how people feel and more to how people actually have to live their lives and how they aspire to live. Feelings are like clouds. It’s whether they bring rain is what matters.
When the Doctor at Walter Reid was asked what conditions might make the President’s infection more complicated, and he answered “None” apart from the fact that he is slightly overweight. SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT. Then I must be Twiggy, the so slim model.
Fake News is not protective of those infected with COVID19 and no defense for the President when he gets sick. But his staff seem to think it is and so they spin away, treating the American public as dupes, as that audience that will willingly suspend disbelief out of loyalty. They really think we are THAT stupid. Even the doctors all decked out with their doctoring gear are in the thrall of the Trumpian universe of untruth. Remember
abundance of health.
So, given the President’s philosophy revealed by